New Beginnings

A long overdue happy new year! I spent the end of last year and the start of the new year abroad, a dream lived which, has left me in a refreshing new state of mind. 

If you read any of my posts from last year, you could sense some dissatisfaction with myself and the way my life was going. Graduating college and leaving San Francisco was a bump in the road I couldn't recover from. I was so happy with myself then, knowing what I wanted and pushing myself to get it. I was inspired and wrote a lot. All the puzzle pieces that make me up had fit perfectly together. But then I left and had to deal with "the real world." I lost some of those puzzle pieces and sank deeper and deeper into this hole of worthlessness. And yet, I didn't do anything to help myself get out. 

I lived each day as a mindless robot doing the same thing every day. With this mundane agenda, it was hard to find inspiration in anything. It was such an abrupt change from my old self, I started to believe she never existed. How could this person who didn't finish a book all year or write more than a couple of paragraphs here and there be that same girl?

In a nutshell, 2017 was my year of existential crisis.

A couple of days ago, I heard the song "She Used To Be Mine," from the musical Waitress. I've been wanting to listen to the entirety of the musical for a while now. So, the irony is not lost on me, that this song decided to fall into my lap now. 

She's imperfect, but she tries 

She is good, but she lies 

She is hard on herself 

She is broken and won't ask for help 

She is messy, but she's kind 

She is lonely most of the time 

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie 

She is gone, but she used to be mine

...

For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who'll be reckless, just enough
Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up

It is therapeutic writing this post with those lyrics in the background. This song that echoes my feelings almost to a tee. 

I'm not cured and I continue to lose sleep in anxiety over thoughts stemmed from my insecurities and doubt. That refreshing new state of mind I mentioned earlier is to say that I've accepted it. I've accepted where I am in life and realized I won't be here forever. That is, I won't be here forever if I fix the relationship with myself. Bridging the lost soul of today with the phantom of my past.

Learning to love me is my goal for 2018. After a year of realization and finally acceptance, I want 2018 to be the year of growth and moving forward.

And here are the more specific goals which will contribute to finding that self-love:

• Write more. It is a dream of mine to write a novel but I think before that, I need to finish a collection of short stories that evoke the themes and questions so important to me, to really explore them, make them tangible, to tell a story that matters. 
• Read more. What better way to grow as a writer than reading more inspirational work?
• Save some cash. I bought a car last year and traveled to Europe which I would do again and again. That said, I got set back, on the whole, moving out thing so I'm back at it again this year.
• Improve health. The fact is my self-love is greatly hindered by how I see myself physically and I can't get past it. So, I want to get fit not only to feel better about my image but to live a healthier life.
• Travel. I traveled to Scotland, France, and England a few weeks ago and now I can't help but want to see more and more. 

Some seemingly simple goals. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and take it day by day. Cheers to new beginnings! 2018, be great to us all!